I seem to be a little stuck.
My JET (Japan English Teaching) application is
going in this week, and I don't even know what to hope.
Part of me really hopes that I will get in and part of me really REALLY hopes that the book mom and I are finishing up will make both of us filthy rich (a la Harry Potter). Of course, thus are the dreams of any aspiring author.
I guess this is just one of those times where I am leaping hurdle after hurdle...and still feel as though I were standing in the same place. The things that I am working on seem so long term that getting them done degree by degree carries with it no feeling of accomplishment. The book, my application to JET (the results of which I likely will not receive until mid january or later—and that's just whether or not I qualify for an interview), my independent study course, my various and sundry drawing and writing projects, cleaning out my stuff and getting a storage unit and on and on, ad nauseam.
I feel like I'm waiting for something that never is going to happen. At least, if it DOES happen, I will be so worn down by waiting that the thing itself will have lost its luster.
As Hugh Beringar of the Brother Cadfael books said: "If a man finds at eighty what he was searching for at twenty, he might prove a shade ungrateful." and Cadfael replies with something like this: "He may have found by eighty that the thing he wanted wasn't worth the having after-all."
There's a lot of wisdom in that, but I'm no sure I'm old enou
gh to really appreciate it yet.
I think one of the reasons why I have not "settled down," in every sense of that word, is that I am really afraid of being bored. I don't want to wake
up one morning and look at the life I have made for myself and realize in a panic that I feel stagnant—trapped and unmoving with my
feet solidly mired. Of course, if I love whatever it is I am doing, that's not going to happen. At least, if it DOES happen I'll be able to work through it log
ically.
I guess I just have yet to find anything—or anyone— that I am willing to commit all my considerable energies to.
This post was not going to be about this. I WAS going to write about how dog sitting my aunt's dogs is like being a single mother with a two year old and a seven year old. It was going to be witty, funny, dry and philosophical. At least I got the last
one—maybe.
Posts
2 comments:
ah, so introspective. I think you're right though, it's just a matter of finding what you want to commit yourself to. And sometimes we don't know what that thing is until we're in the middle of doing it.
And I disagree about the waiting--yes waiting is frustrating, and sometimes it really sucks, but sometimes the things you have to wait for are the most exciting in the end, and much more satisfying for the wait. Truly.
Keep up the writing. And if you get filthy rich remember you owe me lots of money (?!? ok, I probably owe you money, so if you get filthy rich let's just call it even!!)
Actually, that's why I loved having you guys - it was wearing and wearying quite often, but never dull, never boring - always interesting, stretching, inspiring, puzzling, challenging. It used all my talents and energy, and it turned out to be the best effort I ever made, and the most wonderful success I ever could have pulled off at any time.
But I do understand the waiting thing. Ginna, wise as she truly is, never lived through that. I did. And I found that, what you have to do is really live, improve your time, live your life, become better and better.
And yes, having the dogs is just as you said - not something I'd want to do. My little dogs are easier - they're all older than I am now.
i love the way you write.
Post a Comment