I seem to have lost track of Christmas.
I've been saying for months that things just seem to be slipping by, and it holds true here as well.
I've been sick and working and playing World of Warcraft and keeping track of money and saving and hanging out with my family and my friends--all things I do all during the year. We decorated the tree, cleaned the house,decorated the house, put up and cursed at lights, made ornaments, had a party, ate things that were bad for us, etc etc. Somewhere in the middle of it all, though, I have lost it.
You know that feeling that you have when you're a kid and you just CAN'T wait for Christmas? Every day is an agonizing eternity of waiting, but it's still wonderful in spite of it because the eternities are made of hard yellow sugar-cookie stars, sprinkled with green sugar and spangled with lights seen dimly through drifts of fallen snow.
I worked in video game retail for the last two Christmases and it is really easy to loose track of that feeling in the midst of the grasping, shoving, swearing, covetous throng. I thought it would be different now, but I think the problem lies with my heart. Even putting together boxes of magical things for the neighbor children that I love dearly failed to move me, and I kept my ill humour, as a sad reflection of Scrooge's nephew Fred, to the last.
This is very possibly my last Christmas at home, when I think about it. Murph will most certainly be gone next year, Gin and Kris have their own life back East, Cam and Lorri will be likely doing their own thing and I may not even be in the country, when it comes to that. I can hardly imagine that coming home to an empty apartment on Christmas Eve after teaching school will bring me to feel any holiday cheer.
And yet, knowing this, I still flounder. I can't seem to keep up--the days just whisk by and I find it now to be the week before Christmas and my hands are empty. They're NOT--not by a long shot, and still I guess I just can't see it.
Maybe the sad truth is that the sugar-cookie feeling is something that fades with age and it's not something that can be caught at anymore as we lose track of the green sugar sprinkles in the fac of paying bills, going to work, worrying about tuition, cooking and all the other thousand things that seem so inconsequential and yet, all together, consume the adult life.
As I've said before, I cry more and more at Christmas the older I get. It seems to me, though, that it is not indeed for those golden groves that I shed tears.
It is for Margaret and myself that I weep.
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6 years ago
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5 comments:
Oh pish tosh. You just need some puppies in your life. Look you - if I can get that feeling in the middle of the grocery store, you can get it at home. I find that the best remedy for this kind of blank heart is to really climb out by putting other people really, really first. And by opening my eyes and trying to see!! Part of the problem is that our mind is somewhere else. We need to pull on the moment like a favorite pair of jammies and dance. Anyway - I know something you don't know!!!!
Well, pish tosh is a little harsh I have to say. But I do have something to share that hopefully will mean something to you. Coming from a few years deeper along the way :)
Yeah, some years you just don't have that feeling. It's just not there. Everything's too hard, too complicated. It goes by fast and furiously and it's just not right.
BUT some years it's still there, and everything is glowing and christmassy and exciting. I promise. I just have to take it year by year because I never know how things will be.
So. However this year feels, it's no indication or guarantee of how next year will feel. I promise that!
And I do agree with mom in the service aspect. A few of the times when I've felt the most sad, or dark or whatever I've tried to throw myself into some sort of service and it really can make a difference. Not every time, but it's worth a try.
And as far as an empty apartment--jeez louise. Don't think of that! What if next year you're going to be at the fullest christmas celebration ever!?!?! You just really never know.
I love you, and you know I sent you something in my package, right!?!?...........
oh yeah, and go watch Max's sledding vid. It would cheer up the ghost of christmas yet to come, I promise.
Sometimes the magic isn't there because we have actually lost the fact that Christmas isn't about cookies, its about Christ.
I felt lost the second Christmas out here. The first I was getting married so I didn't care much about anything.
The second, I realized I had to stay out here while Janelle and John and Mom celebrated as the Kane's do with their traditions.
One thing I have made sure is that no matter what I pick one thing that would make me very happy even if NOTHING else was done that year and I make sure I do it, or focus on it.
This year I decided it was baking. Making cookies for friends, family and clients. Im even going to try a new cookie this year, although I haven't picked it out yet.
And you see, while our Christmas tree is up, we have yet to put any ornaments on it yet, and frankly it hasn't mattered much-even if no ornaments get on the tree this year at all. I am happy baking treats.
So amongst all the things we have to do, prioritize the most important, and leave the rest behind.
And about being in Japan-if you want to come home to an empty apt. then you will, but come on, you're more creative than to let something like that happen!
Hey Chazilerious,
I just saw a couple of pictures of you on mom's blog and you look GREAT! I love that blue top, and your face looks so slim and gorgeous! I'm totally jealous! :)
Hey you. I love you. I can't really imagine how christmases are going to be from now on, but I think as long as there's love, it'll feel like christmas to me. Thank goodness for memories, and boy did mom make us some good memories. Yum. Like the quilts we wear on our beds nightly. They speak to me of love, comfort, care, attention, and family. It's always there, just look.
And by the way, shut up. :)
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