I'm an adult, so...
I want you to fill in the blank. So many things can go there depending on your place in life.
Many of the young people I know who are teetering on the cusp of adulthood would finish with something to the effect of "I can do what I like." For other people it's things like "I shouldn't have to do that." or "it's my responsibility.".
For me? For me it's coming down to "I should be able to deal with this." or something to that effect.
I feel like I have no right to talk about these kinds of things because I only recently have become an adult (if I really am one. I have severe doubts sometimes). I have no children, I live with my parents, I have a job and an education and comparatively few things to think about that should keep me awake at night, staring into the darkness and wondering what on earth I'm going to do.
But—I feel like life is one giant game of dodgeball, and there's really not a lot of space between missiles, never mind the fact that there's usually at least seven or eight coming at you at once.
Work, school, callings, money, responsibility—
grief, confusion, worry, JOY—hunger, weakness—guilt, guilt guilt—gratitude, inadequacy, hope.
How many of these emotions did I feel in their infant stage in my childhood? I didn't know that growing up would cause them to flower so terribly.
So many things happen. So many things change and this Margaret weeps for things that will never be the same, things that seem like they have lost too many pieces to ever be whole again. We are so close to the Divine in moments of pure joy and grief and hope. I want to savour them, I want to grasp them in my fingers until I understand their shape and know their parts. But instead I set them aside to be considered later because I have to go to work or because my body realizes it's been 20 hours since I last slept. Or because the dishes need to be done or the dog needs out or my room is finally so ugly I cannot bear to walk into it.
Sometimes I set them aside because they are too blinding, too poignant and piquant. It is too much work to be the child of a God so perfect, so powerful, so loving in a life that leaves no time for stillness. I think I create my own chaos. I am not a peaceful person.
Where there is nothing to gnaw and worry, I will chew on myself—like an animal in a trap—until I have something ragged at which to and tear and over which to weep. Isn't there enough sorrow in the world without making my own? At least I can deal with my own sorrow. I can't fix India. I can't give parents back to orphaned children or restore the miscarried child of a grieving woman. All I can do is vacuum and try to be kind and do my best not to wound the people who love me best.
I'm an adult, so I should be able to deal with this.
::photos of the day 9-21-16::
8 years ago
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15 comments:
yeah well. It's easy to think that we SHOULD be able to deal with things. But that doesn't mean that it's easy, even if we CAN deal with them.
And it's true. You do chew at yourself. And I think you should leave your poor little self alone! Guilt is something that we all just need to take a much lighter dose of. Guilt is awful, especially when it's just searching for something to validate feeling guilty.
Anyway, that may have made no sense.
The last thing I want to say is this. It doesn't matter the situation that we're in. Whether we have big sorrows or relatively small ones. Whether we SHOULD have it easy or things are really obviously tough to an outside observer, these things we feel and the things we go through are REAL and ours. And if they're hard and tough for us, they're hard and tough. Even if somebody else has it harder. So we need to take care of ourselves--not overindulge, but not feel dumb for feeling the way we feel.
Make any sense? I am a blabberer...
You make perfect sense, Ginny, the whole thing. <3 Thank you.
oh and I forgot I wanted to tell you thanks--for caring so much. You're a sweetheart.
You're welcome, Gin--I couldn't help but care with someone like you for a sis. <3
" Guilt is awful, especially when it's just searching for something to validate feeling guilty."
This makes perfect sense to me. We do this. We also search for things to justify angry when the anger we are feeling comes out of hormones or illness or barometric pressure.
Char, I still feel exactly the ways you outline here. They say that there in a genetic component to cheerfulness, and there may be also one for guilt, or so I would guess. But anyone who is trying to think deeply, trying to live meaning, is going to run into the things you've described here. If the Lord can't abide the lease degree of "sin" then all of us are in way big trouble, and can spend every minute of our lives trying to patch up the leaks.
Which is what we actually do. We get up in the morning, and we try to eat the right things, and we get dressed, trying to do so with an eye to service - so that the eyes that see us will communicate joy and peace to their brains - and not trouble or discord or fear or lust. We do our business with kindness, honesty and grace, choosing service over profit or advantage - I mean, this is all a bunch of choices we make every minute.
We do not slap the guy on the other side of the counter up side of the head, even when it's almost impossible not to. We do not lie about coming in a minute late. We do not tell the person on the phone that they are really too stupid to live. Or track down the guy who stole our sandwich out of the lunchroom fridge.
We don't snap at a person who may or may not deserve it, even when we have cramps or a headache, or are worried about a loved one. We make these little choices every day. In the preface to the D&C, we learn that these are significant times, and that we should be doing something significant in them - but then it says, each in her small way. Like writing Murphy. By teaching patience and civil respect by example.
And the interesting thing is that, while we often fail at these things, even the effort actually benefits us. We get prizes when we choose right: we are healthier, and thus more attractive and stronger. WE have more peace in our hearts, and more friends who love us.
Not that I'm talking here from the standpoint of any kind of success - but I've seen these things work, and I know the results, and I believe in the outcome.
So while we SHOULD be able to handle things, the reality is that we are always struggling to handle them, to solve the problems, to overcome our own passions and feelings, to be humble, to be kind. And in the end, that's adulthood: the active struggle.
Ch-
And as time goes by, I find myself, as you say, weeping for things that will never be the same. But also am learning that new things come that can be as good, just different. It's just not always easy to remember that when missing the old thing.
And, by the way, we are all still working on becoming adults.
Keep up the good work---you're doing fine.
Love you
Dad
From Holly B:
Dear sweet girl:
I remember the day you called from a corner of Shubuya, saying you were a little lost. Brad had handed you the keys to the scooter, a helmet, some vague directions and said, "have fun"! And you did! I think you even had fun when you got a little lost, because you knew enough of the language to get information and directions. And you had a phone, so that you could call me. I asked you what you could see and you said, "Azaleas".
If I have to break this down for you, you were not raised by the woman I know and love.
This is what I do: I watch for the Hand of God in my life, and I watch for the Hand of God in the lives of others. I wake each day and just ask, "What do You want me to do with my little hands today?" and then I just do that, knowing that everything else is in His very cable hands.
hollyb
A person who is sensitive and who has deep feelings is going to hurt more than someone who isn't as passionate.
When one of my sister's was in high school, it became apparent that she needed glasses. The day came and the glasses were purchased. My mother saw my sister doing the strangest things. She was staring. When my mother asked her what she was looking at she told her, "I didn't know leaves looked like that!" So much detail she was missing.
It would appear that those who are less caring perhaps have an easier life but the detail they miss!
You are of a tender spirit. Things are bright and vibrant to you and so yes, pain is going to be particularly sharper. This is not a bad thing. It is in fact a beautiful gift that our Father has given you. Do not ever wish it not so.
Guilt is a product, a tool, if you will that Satan uses. He wants us to think that it is hopeless. We will NEVER be perfect.....so why try......there is SO MUCH pain in the world.......so why try.....how can our Father "let" these things happen.
I do not pretend to know the answers. I only know me, and the lessons I've learned.
There was once an orthadox Jewish Rabbi who had a son. This son was brilliant. As the father watched this son grow knowing that some day he would replace him as Rabbi over the years it became apparent that this son did not want to be a Rabbi. This father rather than through force but with patience loved this son and in so doing, this son who was quickly turning down a path that was away from his father turned back to his father and came as far as he could. The father knew that this was as far as his son could come, so he went the rest of the way...to his son.
This is the Atonement. The great Rabbi who loves us and is patient. Waiting for us to turn to Him and do all that we can. He, knowing we've done our best...comes to us.
A lesson I have learned recently that has brought me the greatest of comfort is the Atonement and just how much it really does carry and cover us. So many things I've watched slip through my hands this summer and perhaps for this time left here on earth. At first all I could feel was despair and great sorrow. I was not choosing to walk to the Rabbi. I had sat down on where I was in self pitty. I learned to get up, to dust myself off so to speak and each time I would feel sorrow I would yank myself up and remember the positive. The Rabbi met me when I'd come as far as I could and not just the knowledge but the comfort and "sure" knowledge came that all is well. This time but on earth is just a blip on the screen of life. All is not lost. For a time, but I have eternity to learn all of the crafts that I want to learn, the horses I want to ride, eternity to sing, to dance, to continue to educate me. So, everytime now when I start to feel sad that I've run out of time I remember that no, I have all the time in the world! I have eternity!
I do not know if any of this helps or not. Our bodies and minds are so limited right now and our spirits are frustrated but try to remember, we are being schooled by the Master right now. Tests are supposed to be hard. The harder the test, do not lament. Consider it a priviledge that the Master has such confidence in you. For each of us our schooling and tests are different and to other's, we've no idea just how hard each others tests are. To some it may appear that our test isn't that hard when in fact it may be the hardest thing we've ever gone through. Remember that when you observe others. Don't judge others and how they do on their tests. We've no what others really are going through.
I love you tons girl. You are doing a grea job being an adult which in reality.....we're all working on being adults. Because we are all children of our Father.
Hope this helps.
i almost didn't leave a comment because i don't know how to express myself the way you do, or kristen, or rachel...i just don't have that gift. but i have to try. yesterday i had another "breakdown" over things like, "nothing ever lasts". i have this tendency to think that if i can just make it through "this" then things will be easier, and, like you, i "should" be fine...i have strength right? i am not in bed like rachel, i don't have ms like my sister in law, and so on and so forth....the list is endless. and the list of things that don't work is endless. so is the list of pain in the lives of those i love and in the lives of so many across this world that it is far beyond what i can even start to open my heart to, it is too much. sometimes the despair of it all crushes me. it doesn't matter how old you are, whether or not you are married, or if you have kids. your heart sees and your soul mourns to the depth that you allow those things to touch you. being an adult just means awareness. more and more until you all you know is that you don't know anything at all really. and so it is. i wish i could say something to you more than "i understand!". i guess that was my purpose...i do understand and i love you and your family. i fall into hopelessness and that doesn't last any more than the moments of pleasure or happiness. one thing will last through it all and that is my testimony, even in the darkest hour. sometimes just a small pinpoint of faith, the smallest...but it is enough. just keep on...on and on my friend...enduring....winning...losing..
loving...hurting...laughing...smile, you are so loved!
President Monson's talk Ocotber 2008 Finding Joy in the Journey...
and a poem my mom always read:
The story is told of the Devil's yard sale. The Devil spread out the tools of his trade, marked with a price and attractively displayed. It was a nasty assortment: Malice, Hatred, Envy, Jealousy, Sensuality and Deceit.
Apart from the rest of them lay a harmless looking wedge shaped tool. It was very worn and priced higher than any of them.
Someone asked the Devil what it was. He replied, “That's Discouragement.”
“Why do you have it priced so high?”
“Because,” he replied, “it's more useful to me than any of the others. With it, I can get inside of a person and use him in whatever way suits me best. It's so worn now because I use it on nearly everybody. Few people know it belongs to me.”
As the story goes, the Devil's price of Discouragement was so high that it was never sold. He's still using it.
Perhaps you are feeling discouraged right now over some circumstance in your life. That wedged shaped tool is cutting into you heart. Though you can't always change the circumstance, you can decide how you will let it affect you. The Devil's tool, at work in the heart of a person, can make that person a tool in the hand of the Devil.
You know you are normal. There are "grown ups" in their 60's who still can't handle certain things.
I would say to you, and it happiness to be a title of a book, Lighten Up! Another title of a book, don't sweat the small stuff. So not everything has a deep meaning, sometimes it's just there. Figure out what is very important to you and worry about that. Brush the other stuff off. Go to school and enjoy your life!
Hi Chazi, I'm a friend of your mom's. She sent me your link. I may have met you once, long, long ago, when you were pretty small.
I'm so glad you wrote this all out. I don't have too much profound to add to the discussion, except to say this: adulthood is *way* overrated.
You think about reaching it all your childhood... "when I grow up, this" and "when I grow up, that," and then when you reach it, it's almost anti-climactic. Isn't it?
Somehow when we reach this plateau of being "grown-up," we think we'll be different people somehow, that we'll suddenly know stuff and have some instant savvy from some unknown gift box someone's going to hand us.
Well--I'm not sure I've found that box yet, much less opened it, and I've been an official "adult" for 22 years now. (Wait: is 22 plus 18 actually 40? Ugh - you see? Basic math... didn't I learn how to add in elementary school? Sigh.)
Thing is, I think we all feel about 18 on the inside still, no matter what the physical age of our body.
I heard a wonderful Stake President explain it this way once to a group of Laurels entering Relief Society: our spirits are eternal. And since they are, this whole aging thing fundamentally feels unnatural and weird to us. We're not used to it. (This isn't verbatim, btw, I'm just communicating his ideas as best I can) I'm not sure we ever do get used to it, really.
His point to the Laurels was to never miss out on the chance to get to know someone's spirit just because of the age of their body. :-) I loved that thought.
So... welcome to this plateau, and know that we're all in it with you, with the same human feelings, hopes, dreams, discouragements, and guilt. And joy, and wonder, and stress, and worry, and loves.
I have to agree with the story abot the yard sale - I *know* discouragement is one of the adversary's greatest and most well-used tools. (How do I know this? Oh yeah. I know.) It's hard to fight it, but it can be done.
Guilt is another. If the guilt is for sin, then wash yourself clean with the sacrament every week... and forgive yourself, as the Lord forgives you. Use that strengthening power of the Atonement to its fullest. If the guilt isn't over sin (and SO many times--it's not!) then LET IT GO. (Also hard to do, but can be done.)
Coming to Christ is what it's all about. And He will come. He has promised to come. And He will fulfill all His promises. I can testify that He does come, and makes up the difference, and heals and mends all our broken hearts.
I find that even though I know this, I'm always growing. Maybe not "up"? but growing, learning, discovering things nevertheless. There are always new things I wish I'd known sooner. But the good thing is we're only judged by what we *do* know at the time, not what we'll know later, or should have known, or that someone else knew, or... ugh. The Lord tells us "line upon line, precept on precept," for good reason. Just as you can't expect a 5-year old to pass a calculus test... the Lord doesn't expect us to have all the spiritual knowledge all at once, either. He does expect us to keep trying, keep learning, keep growing... throughout our lives.
Anyway. When you do marry, and have children, you'll find more of the same stuff... "Hey! Nobody told me how to do this!! How am I supposed to handle this?! What do I do now? I don't feel like an adult!" (Or wife, or mother, or fill in the blank)
The big secret is, none of us do. We're all in this big mess called life together. The best thing to remember is that it's called the "plan of happiness," and that in spite all that's bad out there, it's possible to be of good cheer now. (Some days more than others.... still!) I've come to believe "good cheer" is a spiritual gift. One I hope to have more of someday.
Stillness is also a gift; one that needs working at, and it does VERY often feel (in my life anyway) that the ride is moving too fast and I'd like to get off for a bit and take a break. Stillness is hard to find. It's not my forte. I have to find it in itty bitty moments - of prayer, showering, reading verses of scripture, in the bathroom, :) in the middle of the night maybe when the house is finally quiet. I don't have many opportunities for long drawn-out chunks of stillness.
I've also found a big secret to happiness and keeping on top of things really does lie in the small and simple things: daily scripture and prayer habits. Talking to my Heavenly Father throughout the day - in little bits and thoughts, asking Him for help with the dumb little frustrating things as well as the big huge life-changing things.
I've started recently to leave my scriptures open on my dresser, as a habit. I find that every time I pass my dresser, I'll read a little bit. And pretty soon I can read 2 chapters a day or so, without feeling the effort or struggling to get them open... or to keep my eyes open :) to do it.
I've also learned (sadly, only in the past 5 years or so, and I'm, uh, how old? yeah.) another simple, simple thing which has changed my spiritual life for the better--so much that it's indescribable. That is to just ask "for the Spirit to be with me today," every day. Even if that's all my prayer IS because I'm running so fast that day.
Can anything be more simple? And yet when you invite Him in... WOW. That little "glow stick" of constant companionship of the Holy Ghost which has moved into my life - instead of sporadically feeling it - has made so many changes. I'm a much better person, wife, and mother.
And yet, so far from perfect. I fall down so much. I mess up. I say stupid things or honk at someone on the freeway or lose my patience with a friend, or worse, a child. So often I echo the same question: "How am I supposed to handle this?!?"
We all fall down. We all pick ourselves back up. Or we don't.
And we all learn from each other.
But, yeah. "Adulthood" is so overrated. All it really means is you get to pay bills and make harder decisions and try to be some weird fictional thing called "mature" about it all. Along with being the amazing and terrific person you already are, with your existing hopes and dreams and wishes. :)
Welcome to the wonderful journey.
Typical of me.... :) I thought I didn't have too much to say, then went on to write half a novel.
LOL.
I have not answered this, because I have had to think a lot about it. I have concluded that I am not qualified to "advise" Charlotte, because if you take out all the stuff about school, and young (no children, living at home, job as opposed to retired), I, too, at my ADVANCED age, can subscribe to the dodgeball theory. Just different balls in my court. As for grief, confusion, worry, worry, worry, JOY, hunger, weakness, guilt, guilt, guilt, gratitude, inadequacy and hope, well, that is something that you live with all your life. Especially women. One just, hopefully, learns to manage it better as one goes along.
I can relate to your belief in God, but I am certainly not in the "divine" category. Still, I am human, and a woman, and at any age, we relate in many ways.
Understanding joy and grief and hope???? Only as you live and mature with these emotions can you begin to understand them. Over the years you learn that you will never understand them, only learn to control them, and in our "elder" years, we are desperate to reach out and enjoy them as we never have before, because we may not have much longer to do it. We finally recognize the urgency of living for each day, only when we know we may not have many more.
As for creating your own sorrow, this is not Charlotte's discovery. It is known as worry overload, and although I am sure men touch on it, women wallow in it most of their lives. We are told "not to be so hard on ourselves", so we try not to be, but it just keeps coming. You can't change it. It is our nature. You worry about health, family, money, safety for you and your family (the onslaught of terrorism in our country), and so many things.
What is the answer? I sure don't have it. I know Charlotte's life will mellow a little when she finds the right partner and really falls in love. This will lighten her burden, and make it seem surmountable. Love will change everything, and she will dwell on other things than these heavy feelings she is having.
Fun - she needs to have fun! She is young, and she needs to lighten up. Things will definitely work out for this beautiful, accomplished young woman. Do not worry about giving parents back to orphaned children or restoring the miscarried child of a grieving woman. God is in charge of that for now. And, in my limited relationship with him, he has told me that he wants Charlotte to enjoy being young while she IS young. God and you and I both know, those years are fleeting, and will be gone before she knows it. Her youth is not to be wasted on these worries. There is plenty of time for that later.
Kisses and big hugs to Char, and you too!!
Love, Auntie D
Aw, Chajiko, you made me cry at work and EVERYTHING. I miss my dead babies! T_T Anyway, you are back in Utah? I am still in Utah, you should come over to my house and I will feed you and let you play with my baby and toddler. :) Email me marusempai AT gmail DOT com
Maru >^.^<
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